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| “Oh my God, what am I That these late mouths should cry open In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers.”
-Sylvia Plath, Poppies in October
I.
Echo. I call you Echo When we speak and I can’t Tell you what I think. Sometimes I think it, That I love you, and I feel it So I say it, that I love you. And you look at me, Placidly. A beat. And then you echo. I love you. And I wonder if you know Just what I mean. And when you say it— I try not to think of what You mean, or if you feel— When you say you love me You look at me, Placidly, And wait. A beat. And then another I sigh, And then I echo. I love you. And I wonder if I know Just what I mean.
II.
Cleaver. I named you cleaver, Long ago, but not too long After the day that we first met, Not that I’d ever Tell you that. “He followed me home!” I’d smile And say, Cleaver. Like the flowers in the Park, close enough to home That we could walk on hot Summer days in early Youth. Overgrown, we’d run through Grass, ankle high And our mother’d laugh As we picked the stinging Clinging burrs out of our shoes.
III.
Zephyr Gentle, like Only the unstoppable Can be Stable, like Only the moving Are So you are Zephyr. I lay next to you Eyes wide with honesty Waiting for your west wind To come, to sate me I succumb, You take me. I try to cling close to you You breeze right though me. The wind doesn’t ever Stop To see.
IV.
Polaris. In some casual, off-handed, Over the shoulder, or through the legs Way, I’d call you Polaris If you wouldn’t laugh And know how serious I was. So I call you by some Other Name And you, from galaxies away You show me light Of yours, from some Other life ago That just now, for me Illuminates my lane. And when I’ve found I’ve lost my path Without exception, Polaris, I always look your way.
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| We're at the end of the world We're the last thing I see And you are never coming home
Never coming home
So, it's been an interesting few days. What news do I bring?
Firstly, I've been offered a really great position as a research assistant for my favorite professor, Dr. Irvine. Basically, they'll pay me to do about 10 hrs of research a week and in the end Dr. Irvine and I will co-author a paper on global feminism that will be published. This is a pretty big deal, and I'm really excited about it.
Next, apparently (I get this from a reliable source) Billy is awesome, and I am hot.
I went and saw Twelfth Night last night with Jeremy... it was a passable period adaptation. To me, the most likeable characters had nothing to do with the play (sadly) and so it felt kind of hollow.
Apparently my insecurities are adorable and they shouldn't ever leave. I'm going to have to kindly disagree on at least the latter half of that.
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
It's been raining really hard, lots of thunder... very lovely.
Walking barefoot in the rain is probably about the best thing ever.
Right behind having small children trust you.
Finals are coming up. I finished up my 10 page paper on the tea ceremony and gender relationships in about 3.5 hours total, including research. I have one more paper to do (10-12 pages on the relationship of the meaning of discourse in the works of Mackinnon and Foucault) and 4 exams (Religion in Life, Gender in East Asia, Latin, and Understanding Music) before I'm officially done with my freshman/sophomore year of college.
That's the odd thing about college, your standing is determind by how many credits you have. So at the end of this summer I'll hav 58 hours, which effectively makes me a junior. By the end of next spring, I'll have at least 94 hours, maybe more if I take december intersession, classifying me as a senior. Disturbing, right?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me | | |
| I have this theory that you shouldn't post in your journal when you know you'll just regret it in the morning.
Eh. Fuck it.
That's strike two on the "hurting my feelings" front.
I'm not very good at feeling this way.
Today is supposed to be a really good day but that's not how it ended.
The #2 thing you can do in my world to annoy/hurt me is not answer my phone calls.
Nothing keeps a girl interested like feeling like she's being avoided. Oh. Wait. That's not true. | | |
| "It was in the 19th century that each person began to have the right to
[their] own little box for [their] own personal decomposition." Michel
Foucault
So I wrote this post in both a cryptic and completely blatant version... Guess which one you got (big surprise.)
I spend entirely too much time thinking... Particularly because
thinking only makes this sort of thing worse. The more and more logical
and articulate my argument becomes, the more I doubt myself. The more I
think, "Give it time. Be patient. This isn't such a big deal." The
thing is, in a lot of ways it is. In a lot of ways I'm psyching myself
out, but in a few ways this is pretty decently important and I ought to
get it worked out now rather than feeling this same old sinking feeling
in the pit of my stomache.
The thing is, the more I know you're judging me, the more I censor myself. I think quietly,
"I don't want to seem like an over emotional teenager."
"I don't want to seem like I take this too seriously."
"I don't want to seem like I'm over reacting."
"I don't want to seem crazy."
"I don't want to seem like a stalker."
The thing is, this is who I am. It's not that I'm unwilling to change
(existence is fluid, people), it's that I don't think I can ethically
stomach silencing myself to appear to be a more agreeable ...whatever
the hell i am to you. If I am faulted for how I feel, there are going
to be problems in the long run anyhow. Might as well stay honest now. I
am terrified of decomposing in this little box you're just waiting to
build for me.
The worst thing? The more I try not to resemble those things, the more I do. If I could just relax, stop being so terrified of rejection...
Don't think I don't see the paradox in what you're looking for... I'm just hoping you can find a bit of synthesis in me.
{sometimes I hate your placid-faced intricacies}
I thought I was so upfront about my complexities, too.
With all of this stress building up because of school, I'm not sure how
much insecurity I can handle right now. I'm relatively certain that
it's getting closer and closer to "none" as the days push forward.
Goddamnit, my mother said I was a catch.
Right now I'm wishing this was all easier. I'm in over my head... What a surprise.
I'll say what I always say, and what I really believe... if it is meant to be, it will be.
"I get quite worried about boxes because boxes say I've stopped thinking." Cynthia Enloe | | |
| You know that stomache-sinking-nervous feeling you get sometimes? I get it at the absolute weirdest times and it doesn't go away for days.
I found what will soon be my new car! It's a 95 Oldsmobile Aurora, and it's freaking great. Like, not even sarcastically, it's a really nice car... She's really pretty and I should be able to drive her by this weekend.

Ain't she pretty? Except she's actually red. Definitely a boat of a car, but I can learn how to drive something more substantial than an aspire with a little work. It does all sorts of nifty things, with heated leather seats and power EVERYTHING... When you put the car into drive, the doors lock. When you put it into park, they unlock. It's probably about the coolest thing ever.
I'm finding myself writing in the tone of Achewood and I'm finding that somewhat annoying.. I also feel something like Roastbeef (aka Cassandra), the suicidal and insecure cat.
If a more perfect way to straddle the line between annoying me with obsession and turning me off with disinterest existed, I would be surprised.
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