A thousand doors ago
when I was a lonely kid
in a big house with four
garages and it was summer
as long as I could remember,
I lay on the lawn at night,
clover wrinkling over me,
the wise stars bedding over me,
my mother's window a funnel
of yellow heat running out,
my father's window, half shut,
an eye where sleepers pass,
and the boards of the house
were smooth and white as wax
and probably a million leaves
sailed on their strange stalks
as the crickets ticked together
and I, in my brand new body,
which was not a woman's yet,
told the stars my questions
and thought God could really see
the heat and the painted light,
elbows, knees, dreams, goodnight.
--Anne Sexton "Young"
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Name: -lucy-
Birthday: 12/14/1987
Gender: Female


Occupation: Artist


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Member Since: 12/27/2004

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Thursday, June 15, 2006

My Nature

“Oh my God, what am I
That these late mouths should cry open
In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers.”

-Sylvia Plath, Poppies in October

I.

Echo.
I call you Echo
When we speak and I can’t
Tell you what I think.
Sometimes I think it,
That I love you, and I feel it
So I say it, that
I love you.
And you look at me,
Placidly.
A beat.
And then you echo.
I love you.
And I wonder if you know
Just what I mean.
And when you say it—
I try not to think of what
You mean, or if you feel—
When you say you love me
You look at me,
Placidly,
And wait.
A beat.
And then another
I sigh,
And then I echo.
I love you.
And I wonder if I know
Just what I mean.

II.

Cleaver.
I named you cleaver,
Long ago, but not too long
After the day that we first met,
Not that I’d ever
Tell you that.
“He followed me home!” I’d smile
And say, Cleaver.
Like the flowers in the
Park, close enough to home
That we could walk on hot
Summer days in early
Youth.
Overgrown, we’d run through
Grass, ankle high
And our mother’d laugh
As we picked the stinging
Clinging burrs out of our shoes.

III.

Zephyr
Gentle, like
Only the unstoppable
Can be
Stable, like
Only the moving
Are
So you are
Zephyr.
I lay next to you
Eyes wide with honesty
Waiting for your west wind
To come, to sate me
I succumb,
You take me.
I try to cling close to you
You breeze right though me.
The wind doesn’t ever
Stop
To see.

IV.

Polaris.
In some casual, off-handed,
Over the shoulder, or through the legs
Way, I’d call you
Polaris
If you wouldn’t laugh
And know how serious I was.
So I call you by some
Other Name
And you, from galaxies away
You show me light
Of yours, from some
Other life ago
That just now, for me
Illuminates my lane.
And when I’ve found
I’ve lost my path
Without exception,
Polaris,
I always look your way.


Saturday, April 29, 2006

Currently Listening
Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge
By My Chemical Romance
The Ghost of You
see related
We're at the end of the world
We're the last thing I see
And you are never coming home
Never coming home


So, it's been an interesting few days. What news do I bring?

Firstly, I've been offered a really great position as a research assistant for my favorite professor, Dr. Irvine. Basically, they'll pay me to do about 10 hrs of research a week and in the end Dr. Irvine and I will co-author a paper on global feminism that will be published. This is a pretty big deal, and I'm really excited about it.

Next, apparently (I get this from a reliable source) Billy is awesome, and I am hot.

I went and saw Twelfth Night last night with Jeremy... it was a passable period adaptation. To me, the most likeable characters had nothing to do with the play (sadly) and so it felt kind of hollow.

Apparently my insecurities are adorable and they shouldn't ever leave. I'm going to have to kindly disagree on at least the latter half of that.

And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home


It's been raining really hard, lots of thunder... very lovely.

Walking barefoot in the rain is probably about the best thing ever.

Right behind having small children trust you.

Finals are coming up. I finished up my 10 page paper on the tea ceremony and gender relationships in about 3.5 hours total, including research. I have one more paper to do (10-12 pages on the relationship of the meaning of discourse in the works of Mackinnon and Foucault) and 4 exams (Religion in Life, Gender in East Asia, Latin, and Understanding Music) before I'm officially done with my freshman/sophomore year of college.

That's the odd thing about college, your standing is determind by how many credits you have. So at the end of this summer I'll hav 58 hours, which effectively makes me a junior. By the end of next spring, I'll have at least 94 hours, maybe more if I take december intersession, classifying me as a senior. Disturbing, right?

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me


Thursday, April 27, 2006

I have this theory that you shouldn't post in your journal when you know you'll just regret it in the morning.

Eh. Fuck it.

That's strike two on the "hurting my feelings" front.

I'm not very good at feeling this way.

Today is supposed to be a really good day but that's not how it ended.

The #2 thing you can do in my world to annoy/hurt me is not answer my phone calls.

Nothing keeps a girl interested like feeling like she's being avoided. Oh. Wait. That's not true.


Tuesday, April 25, 2006

"It was in the 19th century that each person began to have the right to [their] own little box for [their] own personal decomposition." Michel Foucault

So I wrote this post in both a cryptic and completely blatant version... Guess which one you got (big surprise.)

I spend entirely too much time thinking... Particularly because thinking only makes this sort of thing worse. The more and more logical and articulate my argument becomes, the more I doubt myself. The more I think, "Give it time. Be patient. This isn't such a big deal." The thing is, in a lot of ways it is. In a lot of ways I'm psyching myself out, but in a few ways this is pretty decently important and I ought to get it worked out now rather than feeling this same old sinking feeling in the pit of my stomache.

The thing is, the more I know you're judging me, the more I censor myself. I think quietly,

"I don't want to seem like an over emotional teenager."
"I don't want to seem like I take this too seriously."
"I don't want to seem like I'm over reacting."
"I don't want to seem crazy."
"I don't want to seem like a stalker."

The thing is, this is who I am. It's not that I'm unwilling to change (existence is fluid, people), it's that I don't think I can ethically stomach silencing myself to appear to be a more agreeable ...whatever the hell i am to you.  If I am faulted for how I feel, there are going to be problems in the long run anyhow. Might as well stay honest now. I am terrified of decomposing in this little box you're just waiting to build for me.

The worst thing? The more I try not to resemble those things, the more I do. If I could just relax, stop being so terrified of rejection...

Don't think I don't see the paradox in what you're looking for... I'm just hoping you can find a bit of synthesis in me.

{sometimes I hate your placid-faced intricacies}

I thought I was so upfront about my complexities, too.

With all of this stress building up because of school, I'm not sure how much insecurity I can handle right now. I'm relatively certain that it's getting closer and closer to "none" as the days push forward. Goddamnit, my mother said I was a catch.

Right now I'm wishing this was all easier. I'm in over my head... What a surprise.

I'll say what I always say, and what I really believe... if it is meant to be, it will be.

"I get quite worried about boxes because boxes say I've stopped thinking." Cynthia Enloe


Sunday, April 23, 2006

You know that stomache-sinking-nervous feeling you get sometimes? I get it at the absolute weirdest times and it doesn't go away for days.

I found what will soon be my new car! It's a 95 Oldsmobile Aurora, and it's freaking great. Like, not even sarcastically, it's a really nice car... She's really pretty and I should be able to drive her by this weekend.



Ain't she pretty? Except she's actually red. Definitely a boat of a car, but I can learn how to drive something more substantial than an aspire with a little work. It does all sorts of nifty things, with heated leather seats and power EVERYTHING... When you put the car into drive, the doors lock. When you put it into park, they unlock. It's probably about the coolest thing ever.

I'm finding myself writing in the tone of Achewood and I'm finding that somewhat annoying.. I also feel something like Roastbeef (aka Cassandra), the suicidal and insecure cat.

If a more perfect way to straddle the line between annoying me with obsession and turning me off with disinterest existed, I would be surprised.




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