A thousand doors ago
when I was a lonely kid
in a big house with four
garages and it was summer
as long as I could remember,
I lay on the lawn at night,
clover wrinkling over me,
the wise stars bedding over me,
my mother's window a funnel
of yellow heat running out,
my father's window, half shut,
an eye where sleepers pass,
and the boards of the house
were smooth and white as wax
and probably a million leaves
sailed on their strange stalks
as the crickets ticked together
and I, in my brand new body,
which was not a woman's yet,
told the stars my questions
and thought God could really see
the heat and the painted light,
elbows, knees, dreams, goodnight.
--Anne Sexton "Young"
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Original: 4/25/2006 11:52 PM
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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

 "It was in the 19th century that each person began to have the right to [their] own little box for [their] own personal decomposition." Michel Foucault

So I wrote this post in both a cryptic and completely blatant version... Guess which one you got (big surprise.)

I spend entirely too much time thinking... Particularly because thinking only makes this sort of thing worse. The more and more logical and articulate my argument becomes, the more I doubt myself. The more I think, "Give it time. Be patient. This isn't such a big deal." The thing is, in a lot of ways it is. In a lot of ways I'm psyching myself out, but in a few ways this is pretty decently important and I ought to get it worked out now rather than feeling this same old sinking feeling in the pit of my stomache.

The thing is, the more I know you're judging me, the more I censor myself. I think quietly,

"I don't want to seem like an over emotional teenager."
"I don't want to seem like I take this too seriously."
"I don't want to seem like I'm over reacting."
"I don't want to seem crazy."
"I don't want to seem like a stalker."

The thing is, this is who I am. It's not that I'm unwilling to change (existence is fluid, people), it's that I don't think I can ethically stomach silencing myself to appear to be a more agreeable ...whatever the hell i am to you.  If I am faulted for how I feel, there are going to be problems in the long run anyhow. Might as well stay honest now. I am terrified of decomposing in this little box you're just waiting to build for me.

The worst thing? The more I try not to resemble those things, the more I do. If I could just relax, stop being so terrified of rejection...

Don't think I don't see the paradox in what you're looking for... I'm just hoping you can find a bit of synthesis in me.

{sometimes I hate your placid-faced intricacies}

I thought I was so upfront about my complexities, too.

With all of this stress building up because of school, I'm not sure how much insecurity I can handle right now. I'm relatively certain that it's getting closer and closer to "none" as the days push forward. Goddamnit, my mother said I was a catch.

Right now I'm wishing this was all easier. I'm in over my head... What a surprise.

I'll say what I always say, and what I really believe... if it is meant to be, it will be.

"I get quite worried about boxes because boxes say I've stopped thinking." Cynthia Enloe
 Posted 4/25/2006 11:52 PM - 26 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments

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