| | "It was in the 19th century that each person began to have the right to
[their] own little box for [their] own personal decomposition." Michel
Foucault
So I wrote this post in both a cryptic and completely blatant version... Guess which one you got (big surprise.)
I spend entirely too much time thinking... Particularly because
thinking only makes this sort of thing worse. The more and more logical
and articulate my argument becomes, the more I doubt myself. The more I
think, "Give it time. Be patient. This isn't such a big deal." The
thing is, in a lot of ways it is. In a lot of ways I'm psyching myself
out, but in a few ways this is pretty decently important and I ought to
get it worked out now rather than feeling this same old sinking feeling
in the pit of my stomache.
The thing is, the more I know you're judging me, the more I censor myself. I think quietly,
"I don't want to seem like an over emotional teenager."
"I don't want to seem like I take this too seriously."
"I don't want to seem like I'm over reacting."
"I don't want to seem crazy."
"I don't want to seem like a stalker."
The thing is, this is who I am. It's not that I'm unwilling to change
(existence is fluid, people), it's that I don't think I can ethically
stomach silencing myself to appear to be a more agreeable ...whatever
the hell i am to you. If I am faulted for how I feel, there are going
to be problems in the long run anyhow. Might as well stay honest now. I
am terrified of decomposing in this little box you're just waiting to
build for me.
The worst thing? The more I try not to resemble those things, the more I do. If I could just relax, stop being so terrified of rejection...
Don't think I don't see the paradox in what you're looking for... I'm just hoping you can find a bit of synthesis in me.
{sometimes I hate your placid-faced intricacies}
I thought I was so upfront about my complexities, too.
With all of this stress building up because of school, I'm not sure how
much insecurity I can handle right now. I'm relatively certain that
it's getting closer and closer to "none" as the days push forward.
Goddamnit, my mother said I was a catch.
Right now I'm wishing this was all easier. I'm in over my head... What a surprise.
I'll say what I always say, and what I really believe... if it is meant to be, it will be.
"I get quite worried about boxes because boxes say I've stopped thinking." Cynthia Enloe |
| | Posted 4/25/2006 11:52 PM - 26 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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