she_falls_softly's Xanga

My Nature

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:30:05 GMT

“Oh my God, what am I
That these late mouths should cry open
In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers.”

-Sylvia Plath, Poppies in October

I.

Echo.
I call you Echo
When we speak and I can’t
Tell you what I think.
Sometimes I think it,
That I love you, and I feel it
So I say it, that
I love you.
And you look at me,
Placidly.
A beat.
And then you echo.
I love you.
And I wonder if you know
Just what I mean.
And when you say it—
I try not to think of what
You mean, or if you feel—
When you say you love me
You look at me,
Placidly,
And wait.
A beat.
And then another
I sigh,
And then I echo.
I love you.
And I wonder if I know
Just what I mean.

II.

Cleaver.
I named you cleaver,
Long ago, but not too long
After the day that we first met,
Not that I’d ever
Tell you that.
“He followed me home!” I’d smile
And say, Cleaver.
Like the flowers in the
Park, close enough to home
That we could walk on hot
Summer days in early
Youth.
Overgrown, we’d run through
Grass, ankle high
And our mother’d laugh
As we picked the stinging
Clinging burrs out of our shoes.

III.

Zephyr
Gentle, like
Only the unstoppable
Can be
Stable, like
Only the moving
Are
So you are
Zephyr.
I lay next to you
Eyes wide with honesty
Waiting for your west wind
To come, to sate me
I succumb,
You take me.
I try to cling close to you
You breeze right though me.
The wind doesn’t ever
Stop
To see.

IV.

Polaris.
In some casual, off-handed,
Over the shoulder, or through the legs
Way, I’d call you
Polaris
If you wouldn’t laugh
And know how serious I was.
So I call you by some
Other Name
And you, from galaxies away
You show me light
Of yours, from some
Other life ago
That just now, for me
Illuminates my lane.
And when I’ve found
I’ve lost my path
Without exception,
Polaris,
I always look your way.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 17:06:02 GMT

We're at the end of the world
We're the last thing I see
And you are never coming home
Never coming home

So, it's been an interesting few days. What news do I bring?

Firstly, I've been offered a really great position as a research assistant for my favorite professor, Dr. Irvine. Basically, they'll pay me to do about 10 hrs of research a week and in the end Dr. Irvine and I will co-author a paper on global feminism that will be published. This is a pretty big deal, and I'm really excited about it.

Next, apparently (I get this from a reliable source) Billy is awesome, and I am hot.

I went and saw Twelfth Night last night with Jeremy... it was a passable period adaptation. To me, the most likeable characters had nothing to do with the play (sadly) and so it felt kind of hollow.

Apparently my insecurities are adorable and they shouldn't ever leave. I'm going to have to kindly disagree on at least the latter half of that.

And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home

It's been raining really hard, lots of thunder... very lovely.

Walking barefoot in the rain is probably about the best thing ever.

Right behind having small children trust you.

Finals are coming up. I finished up my 10 page paper on the tea ceremony and gender relationships in about 3.5 hours total, including research. I have one more paper to do (10-12 pages on the relationship of the meaning of discourse in the works of Mackinnon and Foucault) and 4 exams (Religion in Life, Gender in East Asia, Latin, and Understanding Music) before I'm officially done with my freshman/sophomore year of college.

That's the odd thing about college, your standing is determind by how many credits you have. So at the end of this summer I'll hav 58 hours, which effectively makes me a junior. By the end of next spring, I'll have at least 94 hours, maybe more if I take december intersession, classifying me as a senior. Disturbing, right?

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 05:15:15 GMT

I have this theory that you shouldn't post in your journal when you know you'll just regret it in the morning.

Eh. Fuck it.

That's strike two on the "hurting my feelings" front.

I'm not very good at feeling this way.

Today is supposed to be a really good day but that's not how it ended.

The #2 thing you can do in my world to annoy/hurt me is not answer my phone calls.

Nothing keeps a girl interested like feeling like she's being avoided. Oh. Wait. That's not true.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 03:52:46 GMT

"It was in the 19th century that each person began to have the right to [their] own little box for [their] own personal decomposition." Michel Foucault

So I wrote this post in both a cryptic and completely blatant version... Guess which one you got (big surprise.)

I spend entirely too much time thinking... Particularly because thinking only makes this sort of thing worse. The more and more logical and articulate my argument becomes, the more I doubt myself. The more I think, "Give it time. Be patient. This isn't such a big deal." The thing is, in a lot of ways it is. In a lot of ways I'm psyching myself out, but in a few ways this is pretty decently important and I ought to get it worked out now rather than feeling this same old sinking feeling in the pit of my stomache.

The thing is, the more I know you're judging me, the more I censor myself. I think quietly,

"I don't want to seem like an over emotional teenager."
"I don't want to seem like I take this too seriously."
"I don't want to seem like I'm over reacting."
"I don't want to seem crazy."
"I don't want to seem like a stalker."

The thing is, this is who I am. It's not that I'm unwilling to change (existence is fluid, people), it's that I don't think I can ethically stomach silencing myself to appear to be a more agreeable ...whatever the hell i am to you. If I am faulted for how I feel, there are going to be problems in the long run anyhow. Might as well stay honest now. I am terrified of decomposing in this little box you're just waiting to build for me.

The worst thing? The more I try not to resemble those things, the more I do. If I could just relax, stop being so terrified of rejection...

Don't think I don't see the paradox in what you're looking for... I'm just hoping you can find a bit of synthesis in me.

{sometimes I hate your placid-faced intricacies}

I thought I was so upfront about my complexities, too.

With all of this stress building up because of school, I'm not sure how much insecurity I can handle right now. I'm relatively certain that it's getting closer and closer to "none" as the days push forward. Goddamnit, my mother said I was a catch.

Right now I'm wishing this was all easier. I'm in over my head... What a surprise.

I'll say what I always say, and what I really believe... if it is meant to be, it will be.

"I get quite worried about boxes because boxes say I've stopped thinking." Cynthia Enloe

Monday, April 24, 2006

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 03:33:42 GMT

You know that stomache-sinking-nervous feeling you get sometimes? I get it at the absolute weirdest times and it doesn't go away for days.

I found what will soon be my new car! It's a 95 Oldsmobile Aurora, and it's freaking great. Like, not even sarcastically, it's a really nice car... She's really pretty and I should be able to drive her by this weekend.

Ain't she pretty? Except she's actually red. Definitely a boat of a car, but I can learn how to drive something more substantial than an aspire with a little work. It does all sorts of nifty things, with heated leather seats and power EVERYTHING... When you put the car into drive, the doors lock. When you put it into park, they unlock. It's probably about the coolest thing ever.

I'm finding myself writing in the tone of Achewood and I'm finding that somewhat annoying.. I also feel something like Roastbeef (aka Cassandra), the suicidal and insecure cat.

If a more perfect way to straddle the line between annoying me with obsession and turning me off with disinterest existed, I would be surprised.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 14:11:23 GMT

And I don’t understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything (about you)
It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room Who are you?
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

-"Sweet Surrender" Sarah McLachlan

I don't honestly have too much to say... It's been a long week that feels completely without time. I'm floating around in space trying to find my grounding.

The things I think about least are the most important... I'm wondering if you meant it when you said it but I know it doesn't matter. The thing is, the farther you are away from me, the less real you seem. This seems obvious enough for anyone, I guess... Through distance you receive only a caricatured glimpse of what is truly there; snapshots, prepackaged sentiments in hallmark cards, brief and shallow phonecalls, all of these things are vibrant in colors of distance that glow duller as you get closer. I'm a fan of familiarity, of quiet calm nights spent at home just lounging. I like intimacy, and you just can't get that from a distance. I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I miss you and I wish I could be where you are again.

But in so many different ways, you are so far away.

I said once to you, "If distance makes the heart grow fonder, I'll never leave you again." What I didn't say was that if I loved you anymore I'd probably kill you.

Maybe what I've created
Is a god of my own making
Maybe I should have loved you,
Instead.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 02:38:02 GMT

Trying to subtley breech a subject in my journal is becoming somewhat useless.. so.. eh. fuck it.

What I'm thinking is this:

I really need to stop procrastinating so much on..well.. everything. The semester's almost over. My grades were spectacular right up to like now... Thank you immune system, and far more interesting distractions. lol

I really need to stop worrying and thinking so much. Everything is going to turn out fine... I really honestly believe that.

I might be buying a 95 Geo Prizm. That's hardcore awesome. I'm gonna get it purple leopard-print seats, fuzzy dice, and maybe some fringe to hot-glue around the windows. And a vanity plate that says "ohyeyah"
Um.. not really.

But yeah, car. Woo!

I have definitely not done anything with my day. I've got time, I guess. Everything's just kinda going slow and I haven't got any drive. I need to get on my stuff.

I am really happy. I had a great night last night... Life is good.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 03:02:22 GMT

Like Most Revelations

It is the movement that incites the form,
discovered as a downward rapture--yes,
it is the movement that delights the form,
sustained by its own velocity. And yet

it is the movement that delays the form
while darkness slows and encumbers; in fact
it is the movement that betrays the form,
baffled in such toils of ease, until

it is the movement that deceives the form,
beguiling our attention--we supposed
it is the movement that achieves the form.
Were we mistaken? What does it matter if

it is the movement that negates the form?
Even though we give (give up) ourselves
to this mortal process of continuing,
it is the movement that creates the form.

Richard Howard

By the way you brought me here
And it makes me believe
The best is still yet to become
And I don't want to leave

So with any luck it looks like I may have found my new job. I'll have to contact those slackers tomorrow and make them hire me.

I am also sick again. Tonsillitis part II, it seems... I'm feeling much better after a day of nothing but sleep.

If you believe your own lies does it really matter what the truth is?

You know, honestly it seems strange to me when I think about you. You delight in the real, the concrete... math, logic, universal rules that are unchanging... and yet within you, all of the subtlety, the layers, the hiding and finding, the complete and utter subjectivity.

And then there's me. I love the fluid, unformative, ever changing always interpretive... and here I am, up front as anything, always clear, forward, unwavering.

Maybe it's a balance thing, the desperation to strike harmony in the discord of objective and subjective. Maybe we're searching for ourselves in the difference between the universal and the particular. Or maybe it's all one big coping mechanism, and we hide the things we are with the things we do. Wrap myself in a cocoon of philosophy to protect my delicate honest wings... Cloak yourself in universality to disguise the deep-seeded subjectivity.

Then again, maybe I think too much.

Honestly, I think it's time that we just face it and deal. Everything we do is a coping mechanism, is a result of inappropriately releasing stress into another avenue where it just doesn't belong. Anyone you've ever been attracted to, it's for the wrong reason. You were only using them, but that's not a bad thing. What difference does it make if you date girls who are less attractive than you to make you feel more attractive? Why does it matter if you like boys with the same emotional disturbances as your father? Any time you've ever done something to help someone else, a part of it was just to help yourself. So what if volunteering pads your resume? Who cares if donating money makes you look like a philanthropist and you love that persona? Most every opinion we've ever spoken is in some dimension a lie. Do you honestly know what your favorite color is? Have you read enough books to say you really know which one is your favorite? Do you consider yourself well informed enough about the world and its interconnectivities to make a real decision about your stance on world politics? We are ignorant. We are self obsessed. We love pleasure. These are not bad things, in moderation. If we are indeed the product of our environment how can we do anything but produce our environment?

"But I don't even remember
November..."
"Well, November remembers
You." Cruel grin--
Mortified stare--
Apologetic,
Comfortless laughing.
She's trying so hard to
Crest the climax,
He mutilates it
Every time.
"I'm being unfair."
Deep blush, cool glare--
"That's true."

Monday, April 17, 2006

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 11:26:28 GMT

By far the thing I love most about myself is my tendency to just hop out of bed in the morning and be awake... it's a very useful skill.

I can think of at least three things I'm loving least about myself.

1. My tendency to just not do things sometimes... Not often, and not in every class. Generally, I love a challenge but Latin procrastination is going to kill me. get me a 91 on the exam.
2. My tendency to have a lot of people fall for me, and me not like them. Am I just that damn infectious, guys? I don't get it.
3. My tendency to finally find someone I like and be totally insecure. Totally. Completely. I can be so certain that someone I'm not interested in is interested in me, but without a doubt once I'm really interested in someone I have no idea where I stand ever.

please tell me she's not talking about me today in her journal. please.

What I want, really want, is more of my friends to be happy about this and less of them to be pouty. That would be great.

And I keep thinking "Please just let this be exactly like what it looks like... no hidden agendas, no lies."

it's complicated.

"So maybe I should
Scoop her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down in a photograph album"

Annndd a meme of boredom.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 02:56:43 GMT

Stolen from Billy because I'm a loser with too much time on my hands.
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song lyrics by that band.
My band of choice: Aqualung

Are you male or female?

"Girl...girl...girl" [Over]

Describe yourself.

"Fallen, fragile, broken, busted. All for nothing; sing my heart out for a stranger. Extraordinary thing." [Extraordinary Thing]

How do some people feel about you:

"Get off me, get off me, you're breaking my heart--get off me girl, you know you are." [Over]

How do you feel about yourself?

"Have you ever lost yourself in the feeling? Have you ever felt yourself feeling weak? I find myself and realize I don't know where I am." [All or Nothing]

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend.

"I never thought it would come so easy, I never thought it would go so quickly." [Halfway to the Bottom]

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend.

"And maybe I could be the one you need..." [Easier to Lie]

Describe where you want to be.

"There is nowhere I would rather spend these lazy, crazy days than here." [Nowhere]

Describe what you want to be.

"Subtle, hard to come by, extraordinary thing."[Extraordinary Thing]

Describe your education.

"Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first. Sometimes the first thing you want never comes." [Strange and Beautiful]

Describe how you live.

"However low I go, I won't say a word." [When I Finally Get My Own Place]

Describe how you love.

"There's a center of gravity, brings you near to me, nearer all the time." [Can't Get You Out of My Mind]

Describe your love-makin style. {yeah it took 4, so sue me.}

"Let the river flow, washing over me for a while... But be gentle with me please."[Gentle]

"Funny how long a moment can seem when you're trying to hold on." [Falling Out of Love]

"It's easier to lie." [Easier to Lie]

"Something has to be better than nothing. Just because it's the end of the beginning doesn't mean it's the beginning of the end." [Extraordinary Thing]

Share a few words of wisdom.

"But I know that waiting is all you can do, sometimes." [Strange and Beautiful]